Two policemen call their station on the radio.
“Hello. Is that the Sarge?”
“We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.”
“Have you arrested the woman?”
“No sir. The floor is still wet.”
“Do you love me with all your heart and soul?” asked Vickie.
“Mmm hmm,” replied Wendell.
“Do you think I’m the most beautiful girl in the world?”
“Do you think my lips are like rose petals?”
“Oh Wendell,” gushed Vickie, “you say the most beautiful things!”
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.
“What’s the story this time, Jones?”he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”
Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river — look, my suit’s still damp — ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”
“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,”said the boss, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”
My sister’s youngest boy liked nothing better than to sit on his grandfather’s knee and have stories read to him. One day after a story about Noah’s ark and how Noah led pairs of animals to the safety of the ark the little boy asked, “Granddad, you are very old, were you in Noah’s ark?”
“Oh, no”, said Granddad.
“Then, how come you didn’t drown when the flood came?”
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”
–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
~ All general statements are false, except this one.
~ All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.
~ An unemployed jester is nobody’s fool.
~ As soon as I get some grip on reality, I’m going to choke it.
~ Bad decisions make good stories.
~ Bald spot? No, that’s a solar panel for brain power.
~ Beware of the letter ‘G’! It is the end of everything!
~ Bread is square. Why is sandwich meat round?
~ By the time you reach 50, people expect you to be mature, responsible, wise, and dignified. This is the time to disillusion them.
~ Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
The grandfather from Yugoslavia — U Gogh
His magician uncle — Where-diddy Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach — Wells-far Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt — Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle — Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin — Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking — Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew — Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco — Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV — Winnie Bay Gogh
A really deep thought that I thought of all by myself. Sit down, put on your seat belt, grab onto something solid…here it comes:
I don’t know what I don’t know. That’s it. Glad you sat down aren’t you?
Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit, and they remained friends until Benny died. One day, they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread.