Funny and True

Two policemen call their station on the radio.

“Hello. Is that the Sarge?”


“We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.”

“Have you arrested the woman?”

“No sir. The floor is still wet.”

A Funny Story

“Do you love me with all your heart and soul?” asked Vickie.

“Mmm hmm,” replied Wendell.

“Do you think I’m the most beautiful girl in the world?”

“Mmm hmm.”

“Do you think my lips are like rose petals?”

“Mmm hmm.”

“Oh Wendell,” gushed Vickie, “you say the most beautiful things!”

A New Joke: Excuses

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.
“What’s the story this time, Jones?”he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”
Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river — look, my suit’s still damp — ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”
“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,”said the boss, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”

Today’s joke:

A Doctor was addressing a large audience: “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake?” – anonymous.

Joke for today:

My sister’s youngest boy liked nothing better than to sit on his grandfather’s knee and have stories read to him. One day after a story about Noah’s ark and how Noah led pairs of animals to the safety of the ark the little boy asked, “Granddad, you are very old, were you in Noah’s ark?”

“Oh, no”, said Granddad.

“Then, how come you didn’t drown when the flood came?”

Funny Quote:

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,”

–Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

Some Humorous Thoughts

~ A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.

~ All general statements are false, except this one.

~ All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.

~ An unemployed jester is nobody’s fool.

~ As soon as I get some grip on reality, I’m going to choke it.

~ Bad decisions make good stories.

~ Bald spot? No, that’s a solar panel for brain power.

~ Beware of the letter ‘G’! It is the end of everything!

~ Bread is square. Why is sandwich meat round?

~ By the time you reach 50, people expect you to be mature, responsible, wise, and dignified. This is the time to disillusion them.

~ Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again. 

JOKE: Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh

His dizzy aunt — Verti Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store — Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia — U Gogh

His magician uncle — Where-diddy Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach — Wells-far Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt — Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle — Flamin Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin — Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking — Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew — Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco — Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV — Winnie Bay Gogh

A Really Deep Thought

A really deep thought that I thought of all by myself.  Sit down, put on your seat belt, grab onto something solid…here it comes:

I don’t know what I don’t know.  That’s it.  Glad you sat down aren’t you? 

Joke: Jack Benny & George Burns

Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit, and they remained friends until Benny died. One day, they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread.

“I like butter on my bread,” he said. “But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do.”
“Jack,” Burns said, “don’t be ridiculous. You’re a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife’s help, whether or not to butter your own bread.”
“You’re right,” Benny said. “I’ll just have the butter, that’s all.”
When the waiter arrived with the check, Burns pointed to Benny and said, “He’s paying.”
“What?” Benny said. “Why should I have to pay the whole bill?”
“Because if you don’t,” Burns said, “I’ll tell Mary about the butter.”

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